Okay, let's move on. (BUT PLEASE BE CAREFUL, HEIDI!!)
If you watched this season's Road to the Runway and first episode, you've been bombarded with information and designs from the sixteen contestants of Season 10. It's always hard to sift through them all at the beginning of the season, so before we look at the first episode (which will be the next post), let's take a look at the contestants.
In alphabetical order...
ALICIA
Age: 27
Claims being a lesbian designer (Lesbian? You don't say!) sets her apart because she's influenced by menswear. Being "influenced by menswear" is about as unique in a design competition as "being influenced by Asian cuisine" is in a cooking competition. Next she'll tell us that her next collection will be "military inspired." Yawn.
Red Flag: No matter how tragically outside of the mainstream a lesbian tomboy designer claims to be, the tomboy look, much like white girls with dreads, is hardly unique.
Age: 27
Claims being a lesbian designer (Lesbian? You don't say!) sets her apart because she's influenced by menswear. Being "influenced by menswear" is about as unique in a design competition as "being influenced by Asian cuisine" is in a cooking competition. Next she'll tell us that her next collection will be "military inspired." Yawn.
Red Flag: No matter how tragically outside of the mainstream a lesbian tomboy designer claims to be, the tomboy look, much like white girls with dreads, is hardly unique.
ANDREA
Age: 58
The "grandma" of the bunch, she's a seasoned designer and art professor who's proof that fashion design is NOT a recession proof industry. She seems nice enough, but this picture is making me cringe so much I have cramps now. I have a feeling I may like everything she says and hate everything she does.
Best Line: Who keeps calling me "girl"? I love it!
Red Flag: Uh, look at that picture. Good god. Her shapes and proportions don't make sense to me unless she's literally designing for a cartoon.
Age: 58
The "grandma" of the bunch, she's a seasoned designer and art professor who's proof that fashion design is NOT a recession proof industry. She seems nice enough, but this picture is making me cringe so much I have cramps now. I have a feeling I may like everything she says and hate everything she does.
Best Line: Who keeps calling me "girl"? I love it!
Red Flag: Uh, look at that picture. Good god. Her shapes and proportions don't make sense to me unless she's literally designing for a cartoon.
Age: 29
Nick Verreos warned she may be a "one trick knit queen" and he probably has a point. She claims to do "mostly knits" but she failed to mention that she also does "mostly grey, sad, poorly tailored knits that will make you sad." Although if she had said that, I might not have been so disappointed by her looks.
Red Flag: If you've seen the first episode, you already know.
Age: 31
Half Indian, half Australian, with a British passport (aww now I want a British passport) and a home in Dubai, Buffi is tacky on a global scale. She takes on tackiness as a challenge! But I like her. Couldn't you just see yourself getting fabulously drunk with her? She's definitely the one I'd want to hang out with at the party (but I might not let her pick my outfit).
Best Line: I created a diet called fegan. It's fake vegan so you can eat whatever you want. How good is that diet?
Red Flag: Those spangly shorts that she claims are her uniform. I know that she understands that they're tacky but I don't think she understands that they're also ugly. It seems immature to me, not just because the shorts themselves are juvenile, but because her attachment to her "signature look" smacks of something she will completely regret in a few years. She's holding on to a tacky, spangly crutch!
CHRISTOPHER
Age: 24
Has severe asthma, had a heart attack in high school (Jesus!) and looks exactly like if Michael Costello finally lost the weight and stopped apologizing all the time. LOVE LOVE LOVE his bizarre feud with Gunnar, mostly because of Christopher's facial expressions to the camera when Gunnar is being a bitchy baby at him.
Best Line: (about Gunnar) He should be on Toddlers and Tiara, not Project Runway. Wrong show.
Red Flag: On his inspiration wall in his audition tape he has a picture of an ad for Justin Beiber's fragrance Someday. Oh god, the new designers are young.
Age: 24
Has severe asthma, had a heart attack in high school (Jesus!) and looks exactly like if Michael Costello finally lost the weight and stopped apologizing all the time. LOVE LOVE LOVE his bizarre feud with Gunnar, mostly because of Christopher's facial expressions to the camera when Gunnar is being a bitchy baby at him.
Best Line: (about Gunnar) He should be on Toddlers and Tiara, not Project Runway. Wrong show.
Red Flag: On his inspiration wall in his audition tape he has a picture of an ad for Justin Beiber's fragrance Someday. Oh god, the new designers are young.
Age: 33
Eastern European love child between Marilyn Manson and Spencer Rice (from Kenny vs Spenny, scroll down for a pic), but with uglier clothes. In Road to the Runway the judges greenlighted him in part because of the clothes he was wearing, so I guess ugly "Severus Snape with a hangover" clothes are in.
Best Line: (about Melissa) She looks like a groupie. Is that the right word? All she needs is a guitar.
Red Flag: Seems to have an unnatural fondness for ugly sparkly ballgowns from the 80s, done badly. Since Dynasty is off the air (and even when it was on the air, had better tailoring) he may be in trouble.
Age: 28
Another dark and mysterious Eastern European, her portfolio is filled with black clothes inspired by warriors and video games. Her look book is like a music video shoot--cool and edgy and high fashion. The problem is that they don't look nearly as good on the runway. In fact, her models look kind of fat and awkward. Hopefully this isn't a trend because that could be a problem indeed.
Best Line: (when showing Tim a black and cream dress) Is this colour, like, too over the top?
Red Flag: She might be crazy and could be a fighter. (Oooh I hope so!!)
Age: 29
If I knew him in real life, I feel like all my male friends would beg me to introduce them to him...at first. He's kind of groovy, he's Brazilian, he hugs, and he's got a killer beard. Then they would get tired of that ultra hippie hipster bullshit. ("I have empty frames on my walls because then it shows I'm not afraid of empty space."). It's not that my friends aren't also hippie hipsters (I know people whose job description is "professional rug hooker." No bullshit.) BUT....Fabio is a "freegan" which means he doesn't go grocery shopping except from dumpsters. Motherfucking dumpsters. I'm breaking up with him right now.
Red Flag: Besides the dumpster diving?! Well, how about the fact that in his bio he brags about the skirt he made from 15 neckties when he was a student. Oh god, a necktie skirt? Do you know ANY fashion student who DIDN'T make a necktie skirt?! I thought it was cool the FIRST time I saw one, made by a sixteen-year-old aspiring designer in my high school. But unless you're currently a sixteen-year-old, you should never admit that you've made a necktie skirt.
Age: 22
Was immediately kicked off of PR Season 9 and is determined to be on TV for longer this time. Also, talks like a Kardashian for no apparent reason.
Best Line: I'm pretty quirky, like I have a thousand different things going on in my head all the time. Like right now I'm thinking about I want another Starbucks mocha. I mean, that's just kinda like in the space somewhere in my head. (If I didn't know better I would think this was said--or written--as a satire of artsy reality show contestants. It sounds like it could be in a Christopher Guest movie about aspiring Project Runway contestants it's so ridiculous.)
Red Flag: What ISN'T a red flag with Gunnar? He's like the dumbest, bitchiest, most juvenile gay friend you ever had, the one you only put up with because he had just come out a few years ago and he was still really young and maybe he'd grow out of his bitchiness and he was always fun to go clubbing with. But I'm not going clubbing with Gunnar. I'm watching him trying to be a reality TV star while acting like a bitchy child. It's not cute.
Age: 30
He's kooky. He's all about Japanese street culture. He's a harajuku boy. He's kooky. He (somehow) has a giant afro that he claims is his real hair. Did I mention kooky? Kooan wants you to know how kooky he is. EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND. Is it an affectation or is he really like that? I don't know. The judges are already nervous. He reminds me of the Harajuku Girl characters on Portlandia (see below).
Best Line: various nonsensical noises
Red Flag: various nonsensical noises
Age: 48
Acts like she's a twenty-year-old sorority sister, babbling on about being a "pretty girl" who only hangs out with other "pretty girls" and complaining about her daddy cutting her off for going to design school. Oh, what an adorably spoiled child she is! She's incorrigible! Except that she's probably menopausal. Seriously, Lantie, who the fuck are you kidding? Cut the girlish shtick. You're old enough to have hot flashes. I'm not trying to be ageist. I'm not hating on her because she's middle aged (and she is, make no mistake). I'm hating on her because she's acting like a little girl, and clearly on purpose.
Red Flag: She told Heidi that all her looks don't have that stupid bib detail in the front, but there is little evidence of that. All of the clothes she has worn or made so far, as well as all of the clothes in her audition and her portfolio (except the coats) have that bib detail in the front. So yeah, it's a thing. It's a stupid thing she does.
Bonus Red Flag: Her "made at home" look wasn't even really made at home, since she just restyled a vintage dress. Patricia Field called her a step above a stylist and a step below a designer. Ouch.
Age: 31
She's a cross between April from Season 8 (and All Stars) and Amanda Zimm from Ready or Not (see below). She's blonde and pretty and perky and then she throws black paint over that whole image. I kinda like her. I hope she has the goods to back it up.
Best Line: I took one political science class and I looked around and I was like, 'These are not my people.'
Red Flag: Well, she is really married to that one colour palette--I mean, colour. Can she make anything that isn't black?
NATHAN
Age: 33
I remember vaguely liking him and sort of liking his designs, but I can't for the life of me remember a single thing about him. Pass.
RAUL
Age: 27
It sounded like he pronounces his name "Rule" instead of "Rah-ule" so I'll have to listen for that. I'm not terribly impressed by him. He seems like a poseur. Like he's the guy with the million affectations. He's the guy with the black jeggings, the guy with the hats, the guy with the stupid pointy bangs in the front, the guy who "doesn't care about trends" but follows all of them...or at least all of the ones from three years ago.
Red Flag: Thinks Ven's amazing flower corset suit is "old school and bad" and yet DOESN'T think that Dmitry's drugstore Dynasty costume is. I would be surprised if he has any good taste at all.
SONJIA
Age: 27
Her name is pronounced "SON-GEE" not "SON-YAA" but that might be the most interesting thing about her. So far she's forgettable and her clothes aren't helping to make her memorable. According to the PR website, she's one of the more popular designers so far, but I can't see why. I just don't see it.
Red Flag: Ruffled blue denim shirt with matching blue hair. Oh sweet Jesus, I'm not going to make it through this horror.
Age: 27
It sounded like he pronounces his name "Rule" instead of "Rah-ule" so I'll have to listen for that. I'm not terribly impressed by him. He seems like a poseur. Like he's the guy with the million affectations. He's the guy with the black jeggings, the guy with the hats, the guy with the stupid pointy bangs in the front, the guy who "doesn't care about trends" but follows all of them...or at least all of the ones from three years ago.
Red Flag: Thinks Ven's amazing flower corset suit is "old school and bad" and yet DOESN'T think that Dmitry's drugstore Dynasty costume is. I would be surprised if he has any good taste at all.
Age: 27
Her name is pronounced "SON-GEE" not "SON-YAA" but that might be the most interesting thing about her. So far she's forgettable and her clothes aren't helping to make her memorable. According to the PR website, she's one of the more popular designers so far, but I can't see why. I just don't see it.
Red Flag: Ruffled blue denim shirt with matching blue hair. Oh sweet Jesus, I'm not going to make it through this horror.
Age: 28
It's nice to see the guy from Stargate SG-1 has found his true calling as a fashion designer. Ven is South American and (apparently) 28 (really? not 48? okay...). Already showing off his superb tailoring skills, he could be this season's Rami.
Red Flag: Maybe none. He's pretty good so far. He might have trouble with the variety of challenges coming up, but I think he'll do pretty well.
I think so far my top picks are Ven and Christopher, with an eye on Andrea, Kooan, Nathan, Fabio and Melissa. How about you? Any favourites yet?
Lindsay Wagner as The Bionic Woman (also, Heidi)
Spencer Rice from Kenny vs Spenny (also, Dmitry)
Harajuku Girls from Portlandia (also, Kooan)
Dumpster Diving for a Dinner Party from Portlandia (also, Fabio)
Laura Bertram as Amanda Zimm from Ready or Not (also, Melissa)
Christopher Judge from Stargate SG-1 (also, Ven)
Next post: EPISODE ONE RECAP!!!
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